Meet Egon Schmuck – Hobby Detective

hipster 1
Egon pondering the meanness of life

This is the first episode of DALSTON NOIR, a weekly Noir-Hipster-Crime-Serial set in London Fields. To be continued. *

Meet Egon Schmuck, 37, Hobby-Detective and antihero, filled at times with existential angst (due to reading too many Kafka books when he was in a mentally vulnerable state) but mostly calm, currently unemployed. Thank God for the United Kingdom welfare state because with some housing benefit and the odd cash-in-hand jobs he survives and not badly. 
Looking smart in a street-wise way, his clothes are tailor made at Oxfam and he seldom walks away from the shop without a bargain in a precious green plastic bag which he likes to carry around as symbol of his hipster status. 
Egon doesn’t like to divulge the fact that he is unemployed and therefore tells everyone who wants to know (not many people do) that he is on a Zero-Hour-Contract. He calls himself a London native (though he was born in a little village in Shropshire), his roaming ground is London Fields, not Hipster Dalston as he likes to point out, a great place to watch the human condition pass by, filling him with existential thoughts as he sips his coffee on Broadway Market.

Episode #1: Trouble on Kingsland Road

Egon had just checked his bank account and wondered whether he could make it till the end of the month when his housing benefit would come in. Lost in anxious thoughts he walked down Balls Pond Road when his attention was drawn to a crowd of people. His anxiety dispersed in seconds as he realised that today was his lucky day as he had just happened upon a crime scene and elbowed his way into the crowd of ogling by-standers.As a child Egon had loved Arthur Conan Doyle’s brain-intensive way of solving crimes, even though he had a nagging suspicion that he was more of a Dr. Watson, but deductive intelligence came in all shapes and sizes and this was his first case.

Egon could see straight away that the police didn’t take the death of the dog seriously. After all, the heavily mutilated corpse with dirty brown fur had just been a street dog without fixed abode and no next-of-kin. Egon always experienced the same dilemma when filling out forms and there came the request for submitting contact details for next-of-kin. Simply because there wasn’t anybody. But appearances mattered and so as not to appear a sad loner, he usually put his imaginary childhood friend Foster into the blank space and made up a contact number. But that wasn’t the only reason he was interested in how this dirty-brown-furred dog had brutally been killed at the Balls Pond/Kingsland Road crossing.

A myriad of questions presented themselves in Schmuck’s imaginative mind as he saw the police questioning a few eye-witnesses without great interest:  Did the dog die accidentally? Had he already been dead at the time he was put on the road? Suicide had to be considered as well.

An elderly lady with purple dyed hair seemed rather nervous during the questioning and Schmuck made a note to catch up with her later.  But for now he needed to get a closer look at the corpse, which had been relocated to the sidewalk so as not to stop the constant flow of traffic.  With a concerned air he approached the policewoman guarding the dog’s corpse, ‘I work for the RSPCA do you mind if I take a closer look for our stats?’ The stern-looking policewoman was flabbergasted for a moment, her eyes darting around searching for her superior, who had just entered Costa Coffee, then looked back at Schmuck and nodded.**


*any resemblance to actual persons is absolutely accidental
**inspired by a prompt by the very talented Pauline at Hausauspapier

Next week: Episode #2 – It Was A Dog’s Life After All

Egon’s hood: Broadway Market/London Fields ©TD2016



47 thoughts on “Meet Egon Schmuck – Hobby Detective

  1. Bin sehr froh und sogar ein wenig erleichtert, dass sich Egon der Sache annimmt. Dahinter könnte auch was Größeres stecken, scheint mir. Und dann ist es wichtig, dass jemand genau weiss, was zu tun ist … Grüße! Herzlich!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I guess it’s going to take some dogged sleuthing to solve this case.. Let’s hope Schmuck has what it takes to catch the canine-killer and keep Dalston’s streets safe from ruffians…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I already like Egon Schmuck–great name, by the way 🙂 And I was happy to stumble upon the word “flabbergasted” in your text, which reminded me of my English lessons and my favourite teacher, Mr. Kaum, who introduced himself as “Mr. Hardly” on our first day of class.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. great name 🙂 ‘hardly’ is also a great response if someone claims something… such a good word, isn’t it? man sieht’s richtig flabbern, he he. Schmuck is also jiddish and means a foolish or contemptible person, as in what a schmuck!
      nice to hear from you again, hope you’ll participate in Hedda in Hollywood prompt 🙂


  4. *any resemblance to actual persons is absolutely accidental — I’m glad you wrote this disclaimer, because I know an elderly, nervous woman with purple hair. Very amusing, mystery tale — I love whodunits! 🔍 🐶 🔎

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My pleasure. I liked your previous entries too, but got messed up when trying to write a comment, you know, the password…No chance I will dare to write anything else!…The one I am temped now to delete for good was my first and last one…Although I feel my detective talents waking up… Not to mention my love for animals…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “Egon” sounds like a Basque name or a Basque word…just saying (without giving away too much of myself…). Love your straightforward writing and wish I have more knowledge about writing and writers to make the usual clever comment “you sound like this one…or your style resembles that other…”, but I don’t…so simply I can tell that I am intrigued, and that the reference to the police man disappearing into Costa coffee, is bloody good. Only one “but” (Oh! Here we go…”) I am not very fond of hipsters…otherwise, on my way of getting hooked…Well done…Ps…took me ages to make this post..lost my WordPress pass

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Egon is also an old German name. I like it that you shroud yourself in mystery just like my protagonist 😉 I know hipsters have been getting a bad rep, but they are also humans 😉 and Egon is an antihero after all, so good if you don’t like everything about him 🙂
      thank you for reading, for digging out your WP password and for commenting. So very much appreciated, and who knows, I might be reading some story of yours soon 🙂


  7. Has Dalston turned Hipster now ? During my years round there – Newington Green – Hackney Downs and Dalston: Ridley Road Market was the materialization of non-conformity. Used to buy crispy dried chicken feet there on Saturdays…

    Delicious !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The raw chicken still hangs from Ridley Road market stalls in the summer heat. When I first moved to Dalston in 2001 it was mainly Turkish/African/English working class and not one club or coffee shop. You should see it now 🙂


  8. I am excited to read more about Egon Schmuck, his career, about this mystical dog an about Foster, the imaginary childhood friend!

    and thanx very much for the link and your words! Don’t know what to say- I am happy and embarassed at the same time.

    Greeting for you, you very talented Dagmar!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. yay! cheers to the process together! cheers to your stories! There will be magic in our creative WP-World 🙂
        (No, I’m not drunken- just trying to be funny)

        Liked by 1 person

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